- Riding the Wave
- August 3rd, 2016
Happiness is hard for me, it's uncomfortable. So when I start to become happy, I know that I'm going to be tempted to self-sabotage. In therapy today we talked about riding the wave. I am trying to train my brain that it's okay to be happy, but it's that uncomfy part that just feels icky. I'm used to miserable and I'm used to be manic, it's the middle zone that I struggle with. I think what I am really struggling with is that I'm happy without constant contact with my parents, my brother, and his wife. Does that make me a terrible person that I am okay with not always being in communication? All these feelings going on in me are so confusing and overwhelming.
I keep reminding myself that it's okay to focus on me, that it is necessary to think of myself in order for me to be happy. I'm a people pleaser, so of course, I want to make others happy, but I am finding that when I only think of others, I end up in a deep depression. I can't go back to that deep depression that I was at a month ago, I just can't.
Too many emotions, just too many. One day at a time.
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I got one of the jobs at the elementary schools and then I turned it down. I know that to some that probably sounds stupid, but I'm doing well in therapy and now group therapy and I want to stay healthy, to keep making progress and I just felt that this particular job would hurt me more than help me. Again, some people think I'm stupid, but as I was talking to my psychiatrist and therapist today, I made the right decision for me, only I know what is best for me.
For the longest time, I thought that Rich knew what was best for me. As my Master, I let him guide me and somewhere along the way, we went sideways. I am a slave, no doubt in my mind and heart, but he isn't the right one for me. Is it possible for me to belong to another Master, but yet stay married to Rich?
Ugh. Lots to think about, lots to think about.