(no subject)
We Belong Together

By airstream

About Me....
Bear with Wings
Here's a little about me -

About Kari...Collapse )

Being Thankful Day 1
Love Clefs
November 1st - I am thankful for so many things, but if I had to pick one for today, I would pick Richard. Richard and I met almost 13 years ago. We met on collarme.com and I moved to Utah where he lived with his daughter Aggi. I had no idea at the time that he had majority of custody, but I quickly fell in love with Aggi. I am so thankful for Richard because he gets me. Despite the fact that we are 20 years apart in age, we love each other. I know that there isn't anything that he wouldn't do for me. I'm so blessed to have a wonderful man, despite all the issues we have. Without him, I would be a mess. I love this man with all of my heart.

Till tomorrow....

Kari Renee

Riding the Wave
Carpe Diem
Happiness is hard for me, it's uncomfortable. So when I start to become happy, I know that I'm going to be tempted to self-sabotage. In therapy today we talked about riding the wave. I am trying to train my brain that it's okay to be happy, but it's that uncomfy part that just feels icky. I'm used to miserable and I'm used to be manic, it's the middle zone that I struggle with. I think what I am really struggling with is that I'm happy without constant contact with my parents, my brother, and his wife. Does that make me a terrible person that I am okay with not always being in communication? All these feelings going on in me are so confusing and overwhelming.

I keep reminding myself that it's okay to focus on me, that it is necessary to think of myself in order for me to be happy. I'm a people pleaser, so of course, I want to make others happy, but I am finding that when I only think of others, I end up in a deep depression. I can't go back to that deep depression that I was at a month ago, I just can't.

Too many emotions, just too many. One day at a time.

~*~  ~*~  ~*~

I got one of the jobs at the elementary schools and then I turned it down. I know that to some that probably sounds stupid, but I'm doing well in therapy and now group therapy and I want to stay healthy, to keep making progress and I just felt that this particular job would hurt me more than help me. Again, some people think I'm stupid, but as I was talking to my psychiatrist and therapist today, I made the right decision for me, only I know what is best for me.

For the longest time, I thought that Rich knew what was best for me. As my Master, I let him guide me and somewhere along the way, we went sideways. I am a slave, no doubt in my mind and heart, but he isn't the right one for me. Is it possible for me to belong to another Master, but yet stay married to Rich?

Ugh. Lots to think about, lots to think about.


Writing Cobwebs.
I'm Not Perfect
It's been awhile since I've sat down here in this entry post and actually written anything of substance. I've been journaling a lot in my paper journal. I'm going to take a Introduction to Journaling class and I am so stoked. I had therapy today and my therapist Carlton thinks that it will be good for me.

I'm no longer classified as epileptic. I went into the hospital as an inpatient, they hooked me up to an video EEG, took me off of my medications, and did just about everything they could and I didn't have any seizures. So, my Dr. took me off of the seizure medications, and I haven't had any. I have what is called PNES. It's a psychological condition. I still don't understand it, but I'm learning about it. The 3 seizure medications I were on are also for having BiPolar Disorder and schizophrenia, so I'm not completely medicated, but my psychiatrist and I are working towards what medications to put me on next. My moods have been a little erratic to say the least and it's starting to cause a rift with me and Rich. What we thought were epileptic seizures for over a year and a half, are now just not, is confusing for me.

It's led to me thinking about suicide a lot. I know the story of people will miss me, that I'm loved, I get that, trust me I do. It's just not that simple. I try my hardest everyday to stay busy with anything and everything that I can. I have stopped interacting with just about everyone I know, because I don't know what to say about what the tests showed.

Then my parents never called to see how the testing went, in fact they had my Grandmother call me and ask me how it went. My Grandmother is 80+ years old and I didn't tell her about the testing because I didn't want her to worry, so when she called me while I was in the hospital I totally flipped out. I haven't talked to them since the day before I went into the hospital and it hurts. I was tempted to call my mom today, but I'm so pissed. She's my mom and she's just vanished from my life. My daughter Aggi and I have problems, but she's my daughter and nothing, nothing will ever stop me from wanting to be in her life. If she made the choice to not have me in her life, then I would have to deal but, I just can't see me walking away from me.

I've got so much stuff in my head right now and the more I sit here the more things just fly out through my fingertips. I need to do this more. More to come....

New Beginnings? Maybe - Uncertain
Can I have a redo?
Last night I finally reached my boiling point threw a plate across the floor and announced that I wanted a divorce. The marriage is over. There is no fixing it this time, the marriage is just so damaged that it just can't be fixed with a bandaid. Counseling isn't going to fix it and even if it would, Rich wouldn't go because he doesn't want to face the fact that he is partly to blame in our marriage issues.

Our marriage started going downhill when I was diagnosed with the seizure disorder. I needed, still do, more help than he can handle, which isn't fair to him and I think he resents that. Then you add in the problems between me and Aggi and it's just too much strain on our marriage. In all honest, I just don't give a shit anymore, I mean, what's the point? He doens't seem to care anymore, it shows in everything that he does and especially doesn't do.

I used to play the victim role, but with a lot of counseling and working my ass off on internal things, I learned that I'm not a victim, but now he plays the victim and it makes me sick to my stomach and pisses me off!! It's like he's given up on life and I don't want to be around that, I am making a choice not to be around it. I have spend years before him and our marriage of being depressed and I won't stay in a marriage and be miserable again.

The Million Dollar question is, where do I go from here? I'm not sure. Back to Colorado? No. As of right now, I don't know where to go. I don't make enough money to live where we are right now, as all I get is Social Security.

I took a break from writing this entry and now coming back I need to stop and continue tomorrow.......


Be the only person you can be....YOU
Family. We all have one. Whether we like it or not. Obvisiously, one that we are born into and then for some of us, on that we inherited through some kind of marriage/inlaws/siblings inlaws and so forth. We get along, we don't get along, who knows, in the end, does it really matter? In some aspects yes. Well it depends of how you look at it.

In my family, my father and mother can't stand my brothers wifes side of the family or my brothers step-kids and for awhile, I bought into it. I thought that they were these evil people, but after almost a month of living with my parents on a way too ass long vacation I see that most of the time it's my parents that are the evil ones. Last night at dinner, my Dad didn't agree with my mom so he chewed her out, in front of all of us, including a 18 month old (who adores him), and his two step-grandchildren or as he calls them bad names.

My head is pounding, so while I have so much more to talk to chat with, but I'm tired.


(no subject)
Keep On Fighting!
This is the fifth time today that I have started this entry, started typing like I am now, and then close the browser. My temper has been bad this past few week. I haven't said anything to anyone, I just mummble under the breath, but one of these days I'm gonna say something to the wrong person.

I can't figure out what sets me off, in any situation, well no that isn't true, because Rich and Melissa do. Just about everything Meilissa does sets me off because she and I a big falling out, so we are still walking on eggshells.

Lost my train of  thought...More possibly night.


6 Year Journey
Kari (Purple)
I think it was 6 years, I decided to have the gastric bypass done. I was 262 pounds and I had a lot of health problems. In the beginning, I did excellent, I went to the gym, I ate right, I worked it all right. I got down to 170, then I just let it slide. I figured I met the goal, I could slack. Well, it didn't work that way, so I gained some back.

I met my goal, but started having smelling problems because of yeast infections, so the did skin removal, well that took weight off.

I'm now down to about 138-142. I think I'm too thin. But if I say that to certain people, it causes arguments, so I just keep my mouth closed.

Ah! Ha! I got the perfect solution. I keep my mouth shut around friends/whoever else and then eat around the rest and I"ll gain weight. I don't feel healthy and that was the whole point of having the surgery done. I can see my collar bone, my face is so thin I can hardly recognize that it's me. I went from wearing 28 wide size pants to 10, 11, or 12 in pants.

I don't want to leave the house, hell I don't even want to leave my bedroom. That's just how bad I feel I am unhealthy looking. When I weighed 262 pounds I felt like a big unhealthy person and now at 138 pounds I feel like a skinny unhealthy person. I don't want to gain all the weight back, but I don't want to wither away.

I'm just totally confused on what to do. I think it might be time to call my therapist and see if I can get in sooner than middle of September.

That's all for now folks!


(no subject)
Warning Fragile Person Ahead
When I discovered the lifestyle, I was advised to not use my real name, so I was "given" the name Kari. For the last 11 or so years, I have been going by Kari and I feel as though I've hiding behind a mask because nobody is really that close. Well, except Rich.

There is so much going on in the world of Kari, that I just can't sort it out right now. I'm writing down everything and I'm going to focus on each issue at a time.

So I'll be back!




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